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Happy 26th, again.

 The deceased doesn't age.  It's my fifth year visiting you, and finally I followed the GPS right enough to not go into any detour.  The same headstone, same ladder. And I still got the level wrong. Don't suppose you will blame me for it.  A little more sentimental this year, cause unknown. Maybe it's puzzling how among the three of us, one best friend got married at the same place and the other is now resting in there forever. We, or rather I talked, played some music I have been listening to. Did the usual thoughts wondering what life you will be leading if you were around. Full of possibilities when everything is in imagination har. The columbarium feels peaceful and filled with love when I paid more attention today. Many left precious momentos for their loved ones - faux flowers, cross stitch, photos, fake spider and scorpions, magnets of macdonalds and cute offerings. And I want to offer you the prettiest dried flower among all, cause you deserve the real beauty...
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Okinawa

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  Family vacations: 'where the best memories are made and the worst meltdowns are survived.” The meaning of holiday has changed completely since I started travelling with J bao from 10 months ago. The most stark difference is I often find myself most relieved when touching back down to Changi airport, ironically. Though that's not to imply that every bit of the family vacation is horrible, it's just, hrm, feels more tiring than the usual weekly routines?  3 years in and I'm still learning how to parent. For each phase of her growth has brought new developments and challenges. The recent Okinawa trip has shed new light on me, bright, glaring lights. Perhaps it's more like a reminder - that I need to prioritise her needs better when planning for holiday. I used to think that parents who plan holiday itinerary around the kid are being too accomodative. Little did I know that they are only helping themselves to make life a lil easier. Than to plan base on the adults...
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嗯

最近 有点 多愁善感 想的比较杂  接触了一些 新的？ 或许 自己从未察觉 的 领悟 好比 婚姻的本质 是一场价值交换 - 经济价值，情感价值， 精神价值 是一场合作，彼此是生活的合伙人， 一起共同承担生活的风险 爱情或许是婚姻的开端 但婚姻并非爱情 类似这样的话 以前也略有所闻 但只有自己身在其中 才方知其含义 恍然发现 原来自己 真的是结的太早 但 幸运的是遇见一个三观正，价值观和责任感强的人 所以 足够了 对吧 倘若婚姻的终极目标 是灵魂伴侣 感觉好难啊  既然 生活是 柴米油盐酱醋茶   还想要 灵魂的契合 是不是 有点 天方夜谭了 毕竟 生活 已经很美好了 今年要三十二啦，  如今的我  喜欢 夜深人静的时候 独自坐在 阳台  窥探 对面 的万家灯火 感叹一种米养百种人的 大千世界  喜欢 泳池前的一颗缅栀树，望着落入水面上的花 随风飘摆 喜欢 六点晨起时 小区的寂静 享受一天启程前的宁静   几乎达到了一直梦寐以求的 体重标准 与 身材管理   终于从在意别人的余光里 解脱出来 自律自爱 everyday～  当然还是 时而 因体重波动幅度大 而情绪低落  但 或许 每一次自我救赎 都是为成为更 自信的自己 做的铺垫 这个世界很喧嚣 做自己就很好 真的  人生 或许真的就是一场体验生命的单程旅行  不需要证明什么 能做的就是 不断尝试，收获，感受，放下 看花怎么开， 水怎么流 太阳如何升起，夕阳何时落下 经历有趣的事 遇见难忘的人 生活或许沉闷 但跑起来 就有风了 呼～  愿余生 摆弄好手里的柴米油盐 保护好心中的诗和远方   
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Hmm.

 Date - 13 Dec 2024. 10.21pm.  So, the last post here was on 1st Jan. And 2024 is coming to an end.  I would rate this year, erm, better than the last?  First and foremost, made visible and close to satisfactory progress in physique, at last. Loss a few KG to meet my life long goal (almost), more defined muscle outlines, abs line on good days.  No longer feeling insecure or overly self conscious. I think this is a very important personal achievement.  I hope to keep this up in the years ahead. Self pat on back. --- Second (?) big event - we sold our place and moved into an EC.  After months of searching, packing, temporay shift into in laws' place, brainstorming ID, renovation, unpacking, taobao shopping. Pool, gym and balcony life for real. All fell in place in the last month of the year.  It's nice to be sitting at the balcony now, listening to the sound of pool water, a glimpse of life in the opposite neighbours.  I think my younger self w...
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2024

To a better self, again.  More time spent on meaningful activities.  More patience.  More love.
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30

 Hrm. Time for a letter to myself.  Age: 30 soon.  Mood: slight worried, but otherwise contented. Slight tinge of melancholic. If not wrong, this space was created in 2007, which makes it 16 years ago. And here I am, still using it. though very occasionally given all the other life commitments, and mostly too idle to update regularly. But it's still a space that I could make use of and come back to in time of need to pen down thoughts like now.   Becoming 30 has been, hrm, a convenient excuse to justify recent spending/splurging on self-care. Laser facials to rejuvenate youth (?), eyebrow embroidery touch up, buying quite a number of new clothes and shoes because 30-should-dress-with-style (?), and other purchases that I couldn't recall.  Becoming 30 also became, hrm, a motivation to get a few to-do-list in life done. Like getting my first tattoo tomorrow, which I am feeling a lil unsure how it will turn out, but que sera? And signing up for a half marathon...
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Hi my dearest,

 I went to see you on your birthday, even though I don't think you were there, but it's the only place I could go to. Although it's only been 3 years since your passing, I felt like I have lost you for much longer. Guilt consumed me for the longest time, and deep down I despised my younger self, saying words that hurt you even if unintentional, to the extent that you stopped replying to me ever. Perhaps that's when I lost you. And I never get to make amends ever, until it's too late. What an irony. Here I am seeing you as my closest friend in life, yet fucking things up at end of day. I could have done more, reply better, be there, be more persistent, put in more effort, but I didn't. Perhaps it won't change what have happened, but, I can't even say I tried.  It hurts to think that I never really know you deep down, or cared to understand, it hurts to read our texts in the final years before we broke apart, in the long texts and emails we sent to each ot...
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